Dear readers. I have, thanks to God, some very fulfilling chosen relationships that are based entirely on platonic relations. These friends are wonderful people, and they need me. I’m not bragging about it, but what I am doing, is advocating for the value of such relationships in our fragmented culture. Readers, we are designed by God to live in community, whether few, or made of many. What is important, is the quality, not the quantity or age. We have an obligation to nurture and supply the needs that cannot be satisfied by social media alone. “Face time”, I call it, is more effective than any medicine or science, in maintaining good health. It’s crucial to have face time and conversations-sometimes short and sometimes long. It’s equally important to know that one is accepted. Marriage cannot satisfy this need in a bubble, but it is the foundation by which we then engage in relations with others, together. And, if the only face time that one is getting, is with ones spouse alone, then there’s a need to spend more time at your church, a class, or some activist group perhaps.
I come from a family that believed, in my formative years, in strong communal ties with our suburban neighbors. We who grew up here, were all part of a team that worked to build up one another. It wasn’t what I would call perfect, however I am grateful to every person who has shown love toward me.
Now I see the community aging, and I see the new families here as well, who move in from all over the world. Mine is a community that does not devalue people or disregard people. We are welcoming and express love, not hate. We are passionate about religion and politics.
As one matures, most of the important time gets allocated to one’s work-life whether from home or in the office, the needs of one’s spouse, and in building a family with children if that is God’s desire. But, dear readers… today, there are many, who out of insecurity, see a spouse’s friends only worthy of being condemned as a potential cheat. Specifically, branded a co-conspirator who will have sexual relations with ones spouse. Now, while there’s always legitimate concern for this threat to the family, an unhealthy and excessive skepticism and mistrust of the spouse or of some friend (whether male or female) is totally something I advise against. A long time friend can satisfy emotional needs that even the best spouse may not be able to. Now don’t get me wrong, I am totally an advocate of proper boundaries and firm demarcation. I believe that each couple must express to one another what they believe is acceptable behavior of their respective and communal relations. In contrast, liberal openness is not a virtue per se. I also believe that if one partner is uncomfortable with a neighbor, or a friend of the spouse, that the spouse’s concerns should be heard and valued – most especially if the friend or neighbor has intentions of cheating and committing adultery. But having said all of that with conviction, we must begin to understand that we are designed to have friends outside of the marital relations. For example, it can be very healthy for a woman to have some girl-friends whom she has relations with so long as they are good people. That is also, if she wishes to have those relations. By the same token, the man should have the pal or pals to hang out with too. The married couple should also understand that there is nothing acceptable about cheating period. Not only is cheating the act of lying, but it is also a justified reason for divorce.
Dear readers, to me this all seems like common sense, but today, couples have a lot of reason to be concerned. And, some people take this shared belief either too far or not far enough. What used to be common sense family values, in my community, seems to be something that needs to be reinforced again. I advise all married couples to be respectful of the spouses concerns, even if those concerns seem unworthy of legitimate concern. Does that make sense? If my wife ever said to me for example, something like : “So and so makes me feel uncomfortable” Or, “So and so made a sexual pass at me” you best believe that I will fully back my spouse up and protect the family, my family – whether that is she and I alone, or a family of more under my roof. Does this sound like common sense to you? It should. This needs to be reinforced in every corner of our community; not by any decree, but rather by each family for its own protection and well being. In other words, one family need to build a private sphere that is to be respected by every authority known to man. And for this reason, I am not a fan even of multi-generational living.
I am a purist when it comes to the boundaries that must exist under one roof. And beyond that (in second place if you will), as a natural extension – the boundaries that are created under each roof (by virtue of respect and honor) will carry over to respect of multiple roofs just the same. There must be an understanding that first there is the nuclear family under one or more roof, then there is the extension of family which is called community that extends to all those even without roof. Trust me readers, when we get that philosophy right, there will be fewer crimes, fewer violations, less abuse, fewer incidents of gun violence in the home, and couples will become the very best people that they deserve to become.
This week we honor Pope Francis with a warm welcome. Those of us, who look to him, pray for him. Those of us who understand his message without spin, thank him. And we are never wrong to ask him for further clarity. He is the father of the Catholic community as pope, the father of all man kind who sees the church as truly the universal family that includes not only households, but every notion of family that every priest should be able to explain to you. Thank you for this opportunity to write you. And, I dedicate this post to my girlfriend of one year whom I miss very much right now. With enduring love, thank you.