Important paragraph added on 10/18/2013.
Is a battle of the sexes still possible after nuptials are exchanged?
It happens. There are vengeful and hostile people who would burn their own marriage just as easily as they would create a public scandal with a virtual stranger at the center of it.
Does this mean that all public discourse of a brother’s or sister’s sin within a marriage is a smoke screen to allow one to revel in a fit of ones own revenge – in denial of one’s own share in the immorality of the matter? Are all women out to blame their men? Are all men out to slay unrighteous women?
No, no and no, but women today engage in all the same sins that men do, while other women and other men do refrain at many given moments. That’s my personal determination, but, I understand that not all people are on a “mission to burn” members of the opposite sex, through embarrassment and mudslinging, as we too often find commonplace and acceptable in public shaming… in the United States as one example.
So, specifically, how does one deal with the sins of one’s spouse best? What additional sins might he or she be discounting in his or her own self-examination? Many sins, as they are less recognizable to the population, are more severe or equally severe offenses to our Lord, than those we often talk of.
These denials are sinful in themselves.
Through personal wars, media frenzies, and “shit-storms”, we can effectively chastise a person into turning toward sin as remedy, when we carelessly marginalize people (in acts perpetrated and motivated by envy for example).
Some people allow their spouse’s sins to proliferate as a means of being “free” to sin themselves; a “pass go and collect” type of mentality that harms. By the way, unmarried people and married people are equally susceptible to the lures of sin. Not being married is not a sin, and being married is not necessarily virtuous.
Are we to celebrate sin at certain times, and not at others?
Worst, in my opinion, is a spouse’s giving no credit or praise for the spouse’s progress [even eradication or improvements] against a lifelong battle vs. the fallen angel’s work against us all, which actively divided them once. Give praise for every victory!
Timing is critical in providing praise and encouragement. Punishment after the loved one’s defeat (even if not complete) of a sin, while in repentance, is a violation of the spouse’s victory. That is a cruel, unloving act!
It is the devil at work in such a case, where he cleverly tempts you [the spouse] to punish and undermine your bond and promises to one another – having married, for better or for worse… don’t forget.
Remember: one’s best efforts to help the partner with sin may not occur overnight. Before shaming or embarrassing your partner publicly, be mindful of your own sin. Dialogue; and reject the illusion that you can immediately control your spouse’s behaviors. As much as we might want to, we cannot “control” other people with the expectations of a 24/7 “McDonald’s” “how may I help you” service timetable. “McDonald’s” after all, has a far easier task of accomplishing immediate pleasing effects, than a marriage. You can be instrumental in positive changes in your marriage, but “people are not machines” [I quote a phrase from Pastor Joseph Prince] (applied in a different context). Don’t forget that God heals sinners according to His method, using you as an instrument if you reject sin, but also with the help of religious leaders. Sin in one family might not be present in another family. And so no one, but you, can reject it. It is each couple’s responsibility to themselves, and later, others.
Be fair to your partner, and seek help together as a pair, in private AND among friends. Isolating your spouse or friend is not God’s desire for you; rather it is the devil’s desire. He [God] made us to live in community’s that should strengthen our ability to love and to forgive. Divorce is an option in many cases, but it breaks the New Covenant we have with God.
We are designed to be sociable. We must be humble enough to recognize where and how sin attacks, in many shapes and forms, through man’s and woman’s weaknesses. Neither sex is exempt. So leave the “gender battle” between the sexes behind! Encourage healthy approaches and togetherness. Allow your partner to point out your sins, and leave the delicate egos behind. After all, no one will be more courageous to criticize you, than your spouse; and, secondly your child or children. That’s how it should be. You married him or her, didn’t you?
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that your marriage is beyond repair. But first, own up to your own sins, and be merciful to the person you committed your life to. Reject the temptation to publicize your spouse’s sins in mass media – doing so might give birth to false testimony and exaggerations that you SHOULD later feel guilty about. Only through love, will your partner turn away from sin. And your capacity to forgive him or her, will find rewards as you together conquest against sin.
Sin “loves” to get between you and your partner, and make you believe that the sinner is evil and enslaved forever. But this is just not true. The sinner needs to choose righteousness WITH you, and be permitted to recognize and see your best efforts to correct your sins exhibited also. You must be credible to help your spouse. You must see that blame is shared. Maybe you’re not spending enough time with your spouse? Maybe there’s deceit and secrecy. Maybe the guys or gals at work are getting more attention than you are giving your spouse and children (if there are children) at home? When both do NOT reject the sins together, BOTH will be in bondage, and, BOTH will question each person’s respective love for each other.
I don’t believe that a married couple can disown one person’s sin in the relationship, while permitting those of the other to grow. This would be a stimulus for eventual divorce. Enduring relationships “see” causes for a person’s weakness, reasons the sin is there, explanations for why the weakness in the first place. Often times we marry someone for help with this area of our life. Don’t rush to abandon the person you married. The best at it are able to share recognition of the sin, in order to overcome the sin together and grow even stronger as one.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Forgive the sinner, as generously as you would want to be forgiven.
And go to church! So, that you can build up your relationship on firm ground, as a couple, knowing that sin can and will come about in another circumstance “tomorrow”, but only if you allow it to.
Church going should not end with the wedding ceremony. It is all too needed, long after it, until we die.
And it is never too late to reconcile for yours.
I’ve added this paragraph and edits above, on 10/18/2013. I was unaware until now, that only the Old Testament approved of divorce granting. With the new covenant with Christ [which does not permit divorce], we must do all what we can to preserve marriage and to keep it a holy institution, never deprived of love and mutual respect. For this reason, I’ve also edited the title of this post. Now I know that divorces occur in our day, and that the children of God are forgiven for many of our sins. But, we must use all our wills to honor our new covenant and we must seek forgiveness for all of our breaches, whether we are living a single or a married life.